This is one of those posts that makes you wonder about who you really are apart from your choices and how we deal with the weight that comes with the guilt from making a bad choice (decision), especially when it begins to affect and change your behaviour.
It is particularly difficult because we know that most times, our choices does not entirely reflect who we are as a person. So you made a wrong move at the wrong time and now you have to pay dearly for the guilt that comes along with it, especially when you know people are murmuring about it and you have no way of defending yourself. You are trapped by thoughts of guilt with no way of reversing it or making it right.
More than half of the time, you know that what you are about to do is wrong or may not be the best choice, but you still do it anyway because it seems easier and maybe faster ; or you may be so eager to be part of what others have achieved that you ignore the process and the steps and then you find yourself in the middle of a storm you helped create with no one to blame.
May I add that this is not because you're careless or do not pay attention to details (or any other reasons that make people act outside who they are), but the promise of the pleasure that awaits once you get it. Let me also add that this is hardly ever the case, because you can get what you thought you wanted only to realize that you really don't want it. So now you are stuck with the weight of guilt and intense disappointment and because you know that there are some elements of truth in the murmuring of others, you change the narrative to make the story more bearable for you, hence you begin to live a lie.
It is not our sins that keep us away from God, but the weight of the guilt and the arrogance/inability to humble yourself to take responsibility for your mistakes and allowing God to heal you.
There is beauty in our brokenness. There is freedom in knowing that he loves us regardless,
But when you are your own physician and attorney, you leave no room for God to move in your life and heal you. Soon, you will start justifying your bad behaviour (sin) by pushing the blame to other people and situations.You cannot heal, if you won't own up to it. You cannot be delivered until you tell yourself the truth.God will only respond to truth, but because you have made yourself believe a lie for so long you delay your deliverance, Guilt only exist in places that you care about, do not be ashamed, pour your heart out to God and let him step in and rescue you from the dead weight that comes from the guilt of past choices that you have carried for years.
Nothing else will fix it the way God would, not drinking, smoking, sniffing drugs, or having multiple sex partners. The void you are trying to fill can only be filled by God. Nothing that you will ever do can stop God from loving you, He only wants you to be honest and fully repentant in your heart.
You can be free from the guilt of sin and shame, let God help you. He is always willing and ready to rescue you. Invite Him into your life and watch Him move powerfully in your life.